People are disturbed not by things but by the views they take of them. Our thoughts can often deceive us. So how can we tell which thoughts to believe and which to ignore?
Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy or REBT believed that all feelings are natural, but some are healthier than others. REBT is about helping people make profound philosophical changes.
One part of his theory suggests that there are certain beliefs that help us get closer to our goals and are self-serving. They termed such beliefs as rational beliefs.
On the other hand, the beliefs that hinder us from living our best life are called irrational beliefs. Such beliefs are usually formed in early childhood and are usually a result of socially constructed norms. Research has shown that these beliefs prevail across cultures. Let’s think of these beliefs as small voices in our head. These voices distort our reality. Don’t believe everything they whisper in your ear.
The first voice says: “You failed to do this one thing. That means you are a total failure!”
This voice has many rigid and absolutist demands. Our thoughts are subject to the Tyranny of the Shoulds. There are certain musts, oughts, and should that govern our world. It usually starts off as a preference that gradually increases in intensity until we feel that it has become a need. Sometimes our need to control our circumstances our even the need to control ourselves can lead to emotional disturbance. We can mistake preferences for dire needs. But instead we can say that I would have likes this situation to turn out a certain way but it’s okay if it didn’t.
The second voice says: “I can’t stand it! I can’t tolerate this!”
This voice has no tolerance for uncomfortable or unfavorable situations. If you try to bend it; it will break. We can try to reason with this voice and tell it that sometimes things don’t go our way and that is a part of life. This is not to say that we should tolerate abusive relationships and unfair circumstances. We simply want to try to objectively evaluate our situations and learn to choose our battles.
The third voice says: “I will not accept myself/others/ my life if xyz things are not there”
Our culture has indoctrinated us with the belief that making mistakes is not excusable. We are quick to shame and judge each other for the occasional spilled chai or broken plate. What we often forget is that human beings are far from perfect. We should embrace our mistakes. For human beings are messy creatures. There is nothing wrong with that.
And the fourth (last voice) simply says: “This … is … AWFUL!”
Place the situation on a continuum that reflects its intensity in relation to other situations that you have been in in the past. Is it really the worst day of our life? We are not invalidating your feelings. It could possibly be the worst day of your life. But even then you know that it has never been worse than this.
REBT says that we should practice changing our beliefs and explore new attitudes outside moments of stress. Our reality is subjective. Doesn’t that indicate that we have the power to mold our reality into one that is more beneficial for us? People have a natural ability to change themselves, but REBT actively-defectively tries to help them do so in collaboration with an involved therapist.
Madadgaar 